The Men Who Rejected Me
These past six years have been simply dreadful, however, the lessons I've learned have been invaluable. I didn't understand the purpose in the gut-wrenching "rejection" of two men I had loved deeply in my lifetime, until GOD showed me the most intimate portrait of His love for us.
The first man was the one I joined in marriage, the one who walked out after twenty-eight years of my faithfulness and love for him. He is the one who told me during my cancer treatments that he was going to file for divorce when the treatments were over, but that he would stay and help out around the house until then. Yeah, I know, nice guy huh? We had eight children together, and it wasn't until after GOD took him away did I realize that his love for me or GOD was never really true and it faded over the years. He he gave up on our marriage, on our eight children and worst of all, he gave up on GOD. He lost all hope for the future and never truly had any vision of doing anything in the Kingdom for GOD. The Bible says, for lack of vision, my people perish, and he had no vision. (Those verses are in Proverbs and Hosea.)
The second man GOD brought to me a year after my husband left. GOD showed me in this man was a beautiful heart that lie underneath a lot of pain. I fell deeply in love with his soul, and I loved beyond my own ability to stop it. It was a pure kind of love that GOD put in my heart, one I could not make go away. The only thing I ever wanted back from him was love, yet, he gave nothing but indifference back to me. I tried to help him in any way he needed help, especially if I was in the position to help him, and by the generous Hand of GOD, I was at the time. He knew how deeply I loved him, and how faithful I was to him, regardless of his opinion of me. It was obvious by his words and actions, it was his intention to hurt me. Yet, for these past four heart-wrenching years, I still love the man inside, even though I've asked the LORD to take away this love in my heart for him. GOD has denied me that deliverance or freedom, so I'm trapped in this prison of rejection by both men. GOD has shown me that this is how we treat Him. We are indifferent to His love and providential Hand in our lives. Yet, with all we do to ignore and try to block Him out of our lives, He loves us with an abiding and endless love.
Two Chrismas's ago, I sought the carpenter out and gave him a gift which he wasn't expecting, because he had blocked me from his phone and his life. It took great effort, because he had blocked all means of communication, and he had moved. I couldn't understand why I would even want to do that because he was so mean to me. This was not normal love, nor was it an obsessive kind of love, but one that I did not understand. It was an unselfish kind of love, because the last thing I wanted in my life was another man who didn't love me. Twenty-eight years of that was enough. I knew I had to do it, though, even though, he didn't deserve it, and the little spit-fire that I am, I would have NEVER been so generous with someone like him before this Agape love invaded my heart. I knew it was of GOD. It was a gift of grace, the same kind given to me, one that I didn't deserve thirty years ago, when GOD reached down from heaven and touched my rebellious heart. This man gladly accepted the gift, slammed the door in my face and remained aloof toward me, wanting nothing at all to do with me.
GOD showed me as Jehovah-Jireh, the provider, He wants to show us His grace by giving us gifts we don't deserve or expect. Yet, we find new creative ways to block GOD's reach into our lives.
This man is always on my mind, everyday, for these past four years, even though I've tried to be rid of him in my heart to no avail. I couldn't understand why, until GOD showed me that we are in His thoughts daily. I long to forgive this man of all his hurtful behavior, but he hasn't come to the point where he sees his treatment toward me as hurtful and harmful, nor as he asked for forgiveness. Jesus commands us to forgive, but if you read all the context around his parables and commands, there is always a sinner seeking forgiveness. It's the same way with GOD. He longs to forgive us, but until we reach the point where we know that we need that forgiveness, it is impossible for Him to extend it. One can't give a gift to someone that the recipient doesn't want the gift.
GOD longs to forgive us, yet, has to wait until we can see inside ourselves and our indifference and uncaring behavior toward Him, as well as understanding truly our unworthiness of His grace and love. He wants our hearts to love His way more than we could ever know. He is jealous for it. I know the pain of that wait, and sadly, I know it all too well. I flood my pillow with tears, every night. This is one of my battles with GOD. He knows the outcome, I do not, thus, we are at a stalemate. He put this love my heart, and this hope that his heart would be completely surrendered to GOD, yet, I see no trace. And, to boot, GOD won't take that nagging, all consuming desire away, yet. GOD is waiting for him as much as I am. He won't give me the opportunity to extend love and grace unto this man, because GOD knows that at present, this man is so very undeserving of my love and grace.
I understand GOD's love for us, now, so much better. It is the same kind of love I have for the men who rejected me. It is a love I can't control and it's against my own will to want to love either of them. It is ingrained in me and I cannot make it go away, anymore than GOD can make His love for us go away. This is GOD's spirit of love and grace toward us. It's a love beyond all human capacity to understand it. This love GOD calls Agape love, and let me tell you, it hurts, and it hurts a lot when it's not returned.