Saturday, May 2, 2020

Who am I? I really do not know, I wish I did.  

I'm not really an author, so to speak.  I may have written a couple of fiction books, against my will, but I did it, anyway.  I hate fiction. I’ve always hated fiction.  When GOD put that silly notion into my head to write a novel, even though I'm not a novelist, I did have one condition though.  I would do it, ONLY if it had a happy ending.  Too many tragic literary fictional stories out there, and life is depressing enough. I surely won’t write anything that is depressing for anyone else.  I don’t see myself as an author by trade, I don't want any money for them, nor do I want to ever write again.  I only did it, because GOD put a story in my head. 

I totally objected to the idea of writing a novel, because I'm NOT a novelist.  I don't want a publishing contract, even if offered one, I won’t sign on any condition, especially if there is money involved.  I don't even want my books really out there until after I'm gone, as in permanently Retired in that Assisted Living Mansion in Paradise, the one Jesus says that he is preparing for me. (John 14).   So, I’m not an author seeking any kind of notoriety,  I'm not a college graduate, unless you want to count four years of college with only an Associate's Degree to speak of? I'm not a seminary student, I have no theological training, unless you count thirty years as a student of the Word, with these last eight being the most intense training and studying 24/7 a person could do.  I even have the Bible or one of those Netflix Gospels playing while I sleep, so I can absorb as much as I can, even while semi-conscious.    

There are three MIA this day my eldest graduated college at 31.
 I'm a mother who has graduated five children into legal adulthood, so I can’t be sued by anyone for anything they do, now. I have three left that are minors that I have to worry about and graduate to legal adult.  I say legal adult, because in the eyes of the law, they are adults, in the eyes of anyone else, that’s left up to interpretations.  GOD told Moses to count only the males twenty and over as adult enough for any kind of military service. (Numbers).   A Levite could not start serving as a priest until thirty. (Leviticus, Ezekiel)

  I'm a wife, but cast aside by a husband who doesn't want to live the Christian life anymore, after 30 years.  I'm not an ex, I'm not the current, but by law, I'm the one who gets to pull the plug.   I'm not old as some would see it, but I'm not young as others would see it. I'm at that dreadful middle-age.  You know, smack dab in the middle, wishing I was young, but not stupid, yet, wishing I was a golden-oldie,  almost done, packing up and getting ready for retirement in Paradise with Jesus.  I’m a nobody who can probably relate to just about everybody.  I’ve been through it all in this fiery furnace of affliction.  

These past years in the furnace, I’ve studied just about every main character in the Bible, backward and forward in order to find some semblance of hope that the fire will go out someday, and the furnace door will open, and I will be delivered from the fire, while in the fire.   Those are my BBF's, (Bible Best Friends), and they all gave me a  reason to put my feet on the floor in the morning, besides my children, who now only have one parent full-time, and another who is paying his "guilt-offering," so he can run off and be with another.  

So, daily, I ask GOD, who am I?  Why did all this awful stuff happen to me?  I’ve lived Job’s life, only not so immediate, but I’ve suffered gradual losses over the years, the kind that just keep picking away pieces of your heart, until you think there’s nothing left to pick away or give away.  There has to be some kind of “Biblical” reason for it, as Romans 8:28 says. (I really hate that verse, it’s never good news when one hears that verse.) I do not handle loss very well, in fact, I handle it quite badly, because I love too big. 

So, I guess: I'm Abram - called out of Ur or in my case – Massachusetts, away from my family of non-believers.  
I'm Leah - the rejected wife who was a dirty man's trick to a "trickster," who competed w/a beauty queen, then her ghost.   
I'm Jacob - the trickster, trying to manipulate GOD, losing all the time, because I'm slow learner
I'm Joseph - rejected by my siblings as the different one, imprisoned for not doing "it" Egypt's way.
I'm Ruth - married to Mahlon, the weakling with no future, a Moabite woman, wishing there was a Boaz for me.
I'm Hannah- barren with no spiritual descendants to speak of waiting for GOD to give me spiritual children.  Worse even than that;
 I’m Peninnah - her rival, used only as a wife to pop out a bunch of babies, because the “wife” my husband really loved, couldn’t.   
I'm David- hunted by a mad king (the devil) wanting to kill me, yet suffering the consequences of my sins brought on by my rebellious discouragement and sinful desire to get even with GOD for breaking my heart.  Yeah, I’m that petty.  
I'm Josiah - The Law has been found under my watch, but GOD's subjects prefer it their own way, as in the book of Judges.
I'm Jeremiah - the weeping prophet with a fire burning inside me that I can't quench, GOD won't put out, and grieving for what I see as not just a lost sheep, but an entire field of them. 
I'm Daniel - trapped in an upper room with only Jesus as my friend, nose buried in the Word, if not in the carpet, sucking up prayer dust mixed with tears. (With an occasional Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-ego who show up at very opportune times, via Twitter, of course.)
I'm Zerubbabel - an exile, wondering if ever we will ever be able to back to Jerusalem and rebuild or are we lost forever, a people forsaken by GOD, so as it seems. 
I’m Paul, a former legalist, who was set apart (and very much alone) in the wilderness for a certain amount of years to learn to hear only the voice of GOD, and not cave to the voice of the masses.  Paul only took three years, (Galatians). I’m a very slow learner, it’s been eight so far for me.
I’m Peter – an impulsive loud mouth with a bit of a temper, who has trouble swearing I’ll do things, then finding I don’t have the strength or stamina to do them, constantly feeling like a failure. 

What about you?  Who are you?  Can you identify with one of these? Maybe you can identify with all of them, like I can. Are you a seed in the soil like me, covered up, buried in the dirt where it's dark, damp and you feel quite alone and despaired wanting to break out of your shell?  Maybe you have a dream bigger than the prison in which your trapped? David did, Joseph did, Jacob did, Josiah did, Daniel did, Zerubbabel did, Ezra and Nehemiah did, and a host of others.

I see Zerubbabel’s prophecy coming to pass at this particular time in history.  It is a prophecy that has been completely ignored by every Bible scholar, the commentators are sketchy on what it meant and why it’s there in Haggai chapter 2.  That’s a hint, you’ll have to go look it up.  It’s in the end of the chapter. Likewise, they were clueless about Zechariah's eight visions, which I think I see happening at this present time. 

Time will tell, because GOD never gave a prophecy that made sense to any of the prophets until after it was fulfilled.  Remember, future proves the past, so after the event, we can go back into the prophecies and see what we thought was just GOD exaggerating or being poetic, was really Him giving us hints and clues of what is to come.  If anyone tells you they have the keys to the end times, consider them a false prophet, because none of us will truly know or understand GOD's time-line until AFTER it has come to pass and played out in the end for GOD's Glory, the Kingdom's sake and in the name of Jesus. 
The Q clock in which I cannot tell time. It's way over my head. 

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